Leaders of the Ex-Gay Movement are (and have been) changing their minds. Part 1

As I mentioned in the previous post, I am sharing posts about various leaders in the Ex-Gay Movement.  Exodus International is an umbrella organization over many of the ex-gay ministries.  John Paulk managed the ex-gay conference entitled Love Won Out for the organization, Focus on the Family.  He and his wife Anne wrote a book under the same title.  John spent many years in ex-gay ministry.  He and I met one year at an Exodus Conference and he later wrote a piece for a publication of mine.  In recent years, he ceased his ex-gay work, as I did.  He has been portrayed in the media in not so favorable light, as he has moved on, changing his career and life.  According to The Advocate, John has renounced his involvement with the ex-gay movement and has apologized for serving as an advocate and spokesman.  In the article, John made a statement that echoes true in my life experience as it relates to my ex-gay involvement.  “And while many things in my life did change as a Christian, my sexual orientation did not." 

John is only one of these former leaders that have walked away from the world of ex-gay.  He appears that he accepts his sexuality and understands that it is not incongruent with the love of God.  Acceptance and understanding are good things to have.

Gays are coming out and Ex-gays are going away

Although the climate is changing, it can still be said that individuals who can identify themselves as either gay, bisexual, lesbian, intersexed, transgendered or simple queer, find it challenging to be self-accepting of their sexual orientation.  Those who may not (or don’t care to) understand Maslow’s Hierarchy ofNeeds, find it hard to understand why ‘those’ people want to come out and throw it in everybody’s face.  Well, those people do not necessarily want to come out to ‘you’.  They want to come out to themselves.  According to Maslow, after our physiological and safety needs are met (you can click here if you are unfamiliar with this psychological theory), all people need to experience a sense of belonging, esteem and self-actualization.  When we have to deny and lie to ourselves about a characteristic from one of these elements, all the other elements are affected.

For example, if I believe I am ugly or stupid, I will have a hard time accepting positive messages from others about myself (esteem and self-actualization), which can affect how I relate to those around me (sense of belonging).  I view myself with a deficit and/or defect that will stunt my development and social interactions as a human being.  A similar negative internalization occurs when LGBT persons have to suppress their sexuality.

There are plenty of sources from where these negative messages originate.  One source I am personally familiar with.  I will be discussing this source over a series of future blog posts.  This source is religion.  In my specific life experience, it has been the Christian church.  Before I continue, I will state that I am not bashing Christianity as a religion as I identify as a practicing Christian.  Where Christianity and homosexuality collide is in the centuries-old misinterpretation / mistranslation of scriptures from the Bible which results in the problem of negative self-imagery.  (For all of my devout Christian readers, we will discuss theology in future posts.) 

This is where the ex-gay movement comes in, which is the true subject of this and future posts.  It believed that Exodus International is the non-profit organization that started this movement back in the 1970s.  I have first hand experience, as I have been a participant and facilitator in the ex-gay movement through one of their affiliate ministries.  It took me many years to understand and accept my sexual orientation and to stop trying (unsuccessfully I might add) to change it through prayer and reparative therapy.  God didn’t answer those prayers because there is nothing wrong with my sexuality and reparative therapy doesn’t work.

I cannot stress my love and appreciation for my Christian faith.  However, I struggle because I know there are many LGBT Christians who continue to live on that ex-gay treadmill. 

“The church says that the Bible says that my sexuality is wrong.  They must be right.  I will suffer in silence, engage in clandestine activities, or engross myself in destructive and risky behavior, hoping my feelings will change.”

This is not the correct message found in the Bible.  And this is no way to live.

Over the next few posts, I will talk about some of the founders and leaders within the ex-gay movement, why they have walked away and why you can too.

It is not National Coming Out Day, but it is a season of courage and change.

The closet door has swung open and Nevada Senator, Kelvin Atkinson, stepped out as he debated Nevada’s ban on gay marriage. Although, he is not the first member of the Nevada legislature to come out, we are glad the climate is changing where it is becoming easier. As a gay black Christian writer, I can say, that religion and the church has been a major influence on the decision that society and lawmakers make regarding the right for gays and lesbians to marry. Many in religious camps suggest that changing the definition of marriage to include same-sex couples is a threat to traditional heterosexual marriage. As reported by the Las Vegas Sun, Senator Atkinson gave a great response to this position.

"If this (gay marriage) hurts your marriage, then your marriage was in trouble in the first place," he said.

Thank you to Senator Atkinson for your continued support for the LGBT community and your fight for the civil rights for all.

The Sad Tales of Closet Abuse and Bullying, part 1.

Another teenager, Nigel Hardy committed suicide.

Nigel Hardy was a cheerleader.  Cheerleading, in the minds of some, is a sport for girls.  Our society is notorious for denigrating and/or objectifying anything feminine.  (Story for another blog post!)  I am not suggesting or implying that Nigel Hardy was a gay youth or in the closet.  However, with the prevaling ignorance in our society, a young man who is forced (his choice is taken away) to hide his sexual orientation is sad but understandable.   If the late Nigel Hardy was indeed gay, there was nothing at all wrong with that fact.  Neither was there anything wrong with his love for cheerleading.  (It is a sport that has significant risk and requires athleticism and strength.  Let someone throw you in the air and you trust they are going to be able to catch you!  Or you be able to catch them as they torpedo toward you.) 

What is wrong is the abuse that he suffered at the hands of bullies.  Bullying is not harmless child’s play.  It was reported that Nigel had just turned 13, placing him in middle school.  As a parent, I understand and remember the social challenges and internal awkwardness that my middle-schoolers experienced.  Any angst is compounded when the teen is trying to understand their sexuality if it falls into the category of gay, bi, trans, queer or alternative.  Sadly, Nigel Hardy took his own life after being suspended from school for fighting.  Supposedly, he was in a fight with someone who had been teasing him.  The specifics were not released, but this is a tragic story that has a familiar tone.  It is what I will call Closet Abuse.  Social pressures and a need or desire to fit into a larger group forces individuals to compartmentalize their lives in such a way that they live in a ‘closet’, until the pressure is too great, leading to some disastrous outcome.

If you agree that this type of ‘closet abuse’ needs to stop, than you can do something.  Use this family’s tragedy and other situations as teachable moments.  Explain to someone close to you, how important it is to offer the same acceptance and respect that they want from others.  Some call it the ‘golden rule’.  I find it to be Godly behavior taught in Matthew 7:12 of the Bible.  “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.”  Basically, you treat people how you want to be treated.  How hard can it be to do this and teach it to our children?  It may take a conscious effort, but it is not difficult.  As Ghandi said, “be the change you want to see in the world.”  Will you join us?  Let me hear from you.

Eradicate ignorance one word at a time.

Way to go Magic!!!

I am proud to be a dad! I love my kids with all of my heart. I am glad they love me unconditionally as well. This became even more evident when I recently came out to them as a gay man. My sons live in the heterosexist world of sports (college and high school). This can be a deterrent; however, they took the news in stride and reaffirmed their love for their old man.


What I am so excited about is one of my sons’ sports heroes, Magic Johnson. He has recently come out as the father of a gay son. USA Today reported on Magic speaking openly about his love and acceptance for his son, E.J. (Earvin Jr). (There are 3 videos in this link, so be sure to view all three of them.) He went on to state, as a co-owner of a sports team, his job is to support and protect any player that comes out. Furthermore, by example, he and his wife, Cookie Johnson are giving other parents of gay children, permission (if you will) to openly love and support their children. One of the concerns that I have always had, especially as an African American gay Christian, is the lack of support experienced by Black LGBT people from the church community. This post is not the forum to discuss the theological interpretations and misinterpretations of the Bible as it relates to the issue of homosexuality. (I promise I will discuss the issue in future posts.) Magic stated that he and his wife attend church ‘every Sunday’ and still the Johnson household loves and support E.J. for who and what he is. That is all anyone can ask for.

Magic and Cookie Johnson, I have always loved and admired both of you. The manner in which you have handled and spoken out on this issue has pushed my support of you to another level.

God Bless you both!!!